Alice Boyes on 5 Mistakes We Make When We’re Overwhelmed — Career Coach Jill

Manage yourself

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April 27, 2021 in Harvard Business Review

Summary.

When we are flooded during busy and challenging times, the way we react can actually make the situation worse. When you are aware of the five common patterns that flooded people tend to get into, you can relieve yourself and those around you. First, stop waiting for the right moment and actually take the time to do the things you know will help you. Second, use your unconscious mind. Third, replace your self-criticism with compassionate self-talk. Fourth, consider your values ​​and make sure they fit the situation. Finally, do not miss opportunities to fill your emotional cup

When you feel overwhelmed, you may react in ways that not only do not help the situation, but even aggravate it. Maybe you are not aware of these patterns, or you know what they are but are struggling to do something about it.

Here are five common mistakes of self-harm that flooded people tend to make. Everyone has practical solutions that will help you feel you are in business and do a better job of navigating your most important tasks and problem solving.

1. You think you do not have time for actions that will help you.

People often have great ideas about things that will help them feel better and more in control – for example, hiring someone to help at home, practicing self-care, visiting a therapist, going on vacation or organizing a game night with friends. However, they fire them because they think they are too busy or it is not the right time, waiting to perform these actions until a more ideal moment that usually does not come.

Instead of thinking about what would be ideal, choose the best option that is easily available to you now. You may not have time to research the best therapists by interviewing a number of candidates, but you do have time to pick someone who meets some of your criteria and try a few sessions with them.

When you have good ideas but do not act on them, it can lead to feelings of helplessness or inability. You may also have endless open loops of “need” and waste time and energy thinking about the same thoughts over and over again. In addition, when you do not act, you lose the benefits you gain from the experience of your ideas. By taking action to help yourself, you will practice finding workable solutions, feel more self-efficacy and reap these benefits sooner.

2. You are not making enough use of your unconscious mind.

Focusing is not the only way to do things. Your unconscious mind is also excellent at problem solving.

When I go on a trip, my mind wanders. I do not strive to walk attentively; Instead, I let my mind drift without directing it too much. When I do this, it always twists to work, but not in an unpleasant way. Solutions to problems pop up magically, and what I should prioritize becomes clear without effort.

Even knowing this, it’s hard to afford to walk early in the workday (before the temperatures at where I live are too hot). What’s fascinating is that when I go before work, my anxiety about work that I have to start as soon as I get home creeps up. However, this does not prevent me from gaining insights into my issues and priorities. Both can occur together.

Your unconscious and wandering mind is as valuable a tool for problem solving and creative thinking as your focused mind. Utilizing your wandering mind will help you do important things, without so much pressure to be focused and mindless all the time, which can be an unreasonable expectation.

People who feel overwhelmed sometimes try to block thoughts at work during their personal time by listening to music, podcast or other entertainment. But it can rob you of some of the productivity potential of your drifting mind. Try to identify the activities during which your brain is naturally carried away in beneficial ways and solves problems for you. For me, these include running errands (driving), exercising, showering, and relaxing in the sun.

3. You interpret a feeling of shock as weakness.

Many times, We feel overwhelmed Simply because we have to perform a task that we are not particularly familiar with, or because a task is in high stakes and we want to do an excellent job at it. By itself, this is not necessarily a problem. We can often get through the task despite these overwhelmed emotions.

However, sometimes we get self-criticism for the very fact that we feel overwhelmed. We think, “I should not feel overwhelmed by this. It’s not that hard. I should be able to deal with it without it being stressful.” When you are self-critical, you are more likely to procrastinate, because not only does the task evoke feelings of flooding, it also evokes shame or anxiety about those feelings.

Some people respond to this shame and anxiety in other ways. They may approach the task with further perfectionism, or they may be more reluctant to seek advice and counsel from others. It’s important to replace your self-criticism with Self-talk full of compassionFor which I have provided specific strategies previous.

4. You are the default for your dominant approaches and defenses.

When we are stressed, we tend to be a little stiffer. Because we have less cognitive and emotional bandwidth to consider other options, we become less flexible about adapting to the demands of the situation and defaulting to our dominant therapies.

We all have values, but we do not always use them to our advantage. For example, consideration can become overthinking, self-reliance can become micro-management or do-it-yourselfers, high standards can lead to being picky or perfectionist, and resourcefulness can direct you to do things in unnecessarily complicated or unconventional ways.

When you are overwhelmed, make sure you adjust your values ​​to the requirements of the situation. Does the specific task or problem need _____? (Enter your dominant value, such as consideration or self-reliance.) Or would another approach be more appropriate to the circumstances?

5. You withdraw from your supports.

If you feel overwhelmed, you probably have limited emotional energy. This can lead to important changes in your behavior and emotional availability. They can be gentle – maybe you usually give your child a long hug when they come to you, but instead, you now give him an occasional short click while thinking about other things, and then go back to what you did.

This is self-harm. You miss opportunities to fill your emotional cup when you need it most, and you run the risk of your loved ones noticing differences and acting to get your attention (for example, a child drawing on a wall, or a spouse choosing an argument over something unimportant).

Identify ways you still enjoy connecting with your supporters even when you have limited emotional energy. For example, I like to draw alongside my five-year-old at my breaks, or build with her something of blocks and shapes. We also like to curl up in bed while watching our personal screens. If you have trouble getting to these activities, create routines for them to fit into your day or week in specific places – for example, maybe you always bake with your child on Saturday mornings.

By being aware of the five patterns described here, you can make it easier for yourself and those around you to go through busy and challenging times. They are understandable patterns that you can fall into – and not a reason for you to be self-critical. Know what the pitfalls are and make small and small changes to overcome them.

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