A few questions will help re-engage your chronic complainer
A chronic complainer can drain the life out of you and your team and make everyone want to quit. But your complainer may also have important insights and likely doesn’t feel heard. When you get them out of their complaining spiral, they will be more effective and the team will benefit from their insights.
“He’s bad…”
“I must warn you about an elephant.”
The HR manager of a large engineering company where I (David) was about to start a one-day workshop took me aside to warn me. “He’s bad.”
“What does ‘bad’ look like?”
“He was so cynical and complained so much during yesterday’s meeting that the host left and left during the break in the middle of the show.”
Ouch!
Chronic complainers and cynics have this effect on people. Fortunately, you can use a few simple questions to help your complainer and help him be a positive and contributing force. (And if you’re often on the receiving end of feedback and being told you’re too negative or complaining too much, be sure to check out how to be less negative—and still be yourself.)
How to approach your chronic complainer
As you prepare to deal with a chronic complainer or cynic, it can help to understand what is going on for them. Some people have a naturally cautious or self-protective way of approaching life. It kept them safe or avoided disaster (or at least it feels that way).
If you tell this person that they are negative or that they are “complaining”, they will honestly respond, “No, I’m not, I’m trying to prevent a problem, avoid unnecessary frustration and keep on going.” And their analytical and skeptical way of looking at things can be a real asset when you’re making decisions. The challenge is to help them add that value without dragging you down in a vortex of cynicism and complaints.
Besides understanding their general approach, it’s also helpful to understand where the “chronic” part comes from. Most of the time, when someone complains often, it’s because they don’t feel heard or seen. They were dismissed as “negative” and watched people roll their eyes, their skepticism getting worse – and the complaining spirals. A few powerful sentences can help redirect that energy to more positive outcomes. Curiosity and connection will do wonders.
Powerful phrases for dealing with chronic complainers and cynics
“It sounds like you’re worried about…?”
When your complainer raises an issue, avoid the temptation to shut them down. Use this question to check for understanding. If they are really dangerous, take a pen and paper and start writing down what they say. Just taking them seriously relieves some of the pressure that has built up for them.
“and what else?”
This is a powerful question when talking to a chronic complainer. Listen carefully. You wrote what they said. Now, when you ask, “And what else?” This creates a pause. A moment of reflection. This takes them out of the “nobody-ever-listens-so-I’ll-keep-talking” autopilot mode and gets them thinking critically about the issue. If there’s more, keep listening and taking notes. You might need another “what else” before they put all their concerns to rest.
“What do you see as the consequences if…?”
This powerful phrase helps you both gain perspective. Sometimes your complainer will answer this question: “Hmm, I guess the consequences aren’t that big, really.” And they are ready to move on. But when they see significant concerns, you can proceed with:
“How would it feel if we could solve this?”
Chronic complainers have been cynical for so long that sometimes it’s hard for them to imagine that things can really get better. When you invite them to consider how that would feel, it opens the door to solutions.
“How do you think we can handle this?”
With this question, you move the conversation to solutions. Maybe they have some and you can explore them together. But sometimes, they will answer “I don’t know.” When that happens, try this:
“What would you say if you knew?”
This strange sounding question helps someone who is stuck get through their stuckness. (This can be very helpful in your leadership coaching conversations.) Often, we do know, we have ideas, but are reluctant to speak them. We don’t want to look stupid, let anyone down, or use the energy to think more deeply. When you introduce this conditional language of “what would you say if you did…” it makes it safe to bypass all those mental brakes and start talking.
For a chronic complainer, another way to break the “I don’t know what to do” deadlock is to:
“If you could snap your fingers and create a solution, what would you want to happen?”
Of course, their solution may not be immediately practical, but it gives them a place to start acting or to realize that the situation is not as bad as they thought.
“It sounds like you want…”
When you wrap up the conversation, focus on what action they want to take. (And if they really haven’t been able to come up with a workable way forward, you can offer to monitor the situation for a month and see if anything changes.)
“I’m glad we had this conversation…”
At some point, you have to help the chronic complainer move (and get back to work). This powerful phrase emphasizes that you “had” – past tense – the conversation. You may need to pin it to the “I need to get back to…” follow-up.
your turn
It turned out Phil was not nearly as problematic as the HR manager had feared. He had real and valid concerns that no one voiced. After listening to his questions and giving him real answers (even when they weren’t always the answers he wanted), Phil became an advocate for the program. And you can help your chronic complainers, too, when you use these powerful phrases and truly listen.
we will be happy to hear from you: How do you help your chronic complainers avoid getting stuck or dragging the team down while benefiting from their concerns?
