Looking back I feel I should have stood my ground and not given in to this bully. I was just afraid of hurting her and not getting into an ugly argument. However, it made me not decide for myself so many things like my career path, my job, etc… at the time. I am much stronger now and I would have dealt with such a bully differently if history were to repeat itself.
– Female, 47 years old Dubai (m survey of conflicts and collaborations in the world of work)
You would think that by now we would have passed the need to write about dealing with a bully in the workplace.
Most Gen Zs and Millennials have said bullies are bad since elementary school. And if you’re a parent, you’ve probably pulled a peanut butter-stained “How to Stop a Bully” flyer out of your child’s backpack and thought wistfully, “I wish they’d talked about bullying when I was in school. This focus will surely make for better adults.”
sigh.
We should all know better. But here we are. If you googled it and you are here. We are sorry. You don’t have to deal with a bully at work.
What is workplace bullying?
What is workplace bullying? According to The National Bullying Hotline, Here are five questions to ask yourself as a starting point.
- Do I feel threatened or intimidated at work?
- Am I regularly humiliated or ridiculed in front of my peers?
- Did they call me names?
- Are my efforts consistently undervalued or ignored?
- Do I feel nauseous or nauseous when working with a particular colleague or manager?
If you have a cocktail of the above, chances are you’re dealing with some degree of workplace bullying, or at the very least toxic management or poor team culture. The approach below is intended to be a starting place for serious acts of workplace bullying. If you are dealing with a chronic bully, please call HR and report the toxic courage crusher. You don’t have to deal with this situation yourself.
How to change a bullying situation: stories of hope
In our research for our upcoming book on navigating conflict in the workplace, we spoke to people who had confronted a workplace bully and changed the story. Many of these stories have two things in common. First, they found support from a trusted peer so they weren’t managing the situation alone. And second, they did not react in the moment, but calmed down and planned a cautious intervention to address the concern.
Here are two examples from our research. let’s call them “laura” and “george”
The story of “Laura” (currently CEO)
Laura shares her powerful example of asking for help and creating an intervention by asking a powerful question:
“Is this the way we’re going to work together?”
I was working on a project and someone made a mistake (not related to me). But his boss thought I had made a mistake, and left me a scathing voicemail that was copied by six other people on the team. He was really personal in the attacks. I was new to this job. And even if I was wrong, that was a terrible way to behave. Just so humiliating and so personal. So I went to a conference room and called one of my colleagues and decided to be vulnerable and ask for help to process what happened. Being able to reach out to someone when I wouldn’t under normal circumstances means the world.
and then…
I assembled the team of people, including the guy who made the mistake. And in a moment of assertiveness that I didn’t think I had, I said, “Look, is this the way we’re going to work together? Where are we blaming each other and yelling at each other, and there is public humiliation?” I was so frustrated and found my voice that day.
The intervention worked. It was a statement that I wasn’t the one to mess with. I think the best way to deal with a workplace bully is to be direct and strong and professional. You cannot let them get away with this behavior even if you are in a junior role. I have found with such sloppy thugs that your dignity and strength in the situation embarrasses them. And it makes them look worse in front of anyone watching it. They are likely to deal with you in the future.
The story of “George” (now a successful entrepreneur)
George also gets some help, by inviting a neutral party to verify the facts. And then uses this poignant powerful phrase:
“That’s what it’s like to be me in this situation.”
My company was bought into a very different culture and leadership style. There were so many complicated problems in “collaboration” when we started working together.
One result of my collaboration failures is that I received critical presentation materials minutes before I had to present – at the client’s site – to our C-suite sponsors.
So I’m updating our presentation deck (high tension, because in a moment I’ll be the presenter, ready or not!) with some of the client team in the conference room. My new CEO is there. And as I race to do it, he snarls negative feedback (directed at me) at me about the presentation and shakes his head to emphasize his disappointment. He made everyone uncomfortable, and set exactly the wrong mood. And it was too late For it to be constructive from a distance.
I waited a week to soften the emotional impact. Then I scheduled a call with my CEO and a project manager from his team (someone he trusts) who was in the room. I calmly painted a picture of what it was like to be me in this situation, And what I thought the customer might have felt when he saw it go down.
I also successfully refuted some of the reviews he gave that I didn’t want to argue with customers in the room.
At first, he downplayed his behavior and denied there were any customers in the room when it happened – but his project manager confirmed everything. My CEO took a long breath.
Then the CEO said…
“It took a lot of maturity and discipline for you to wait for the right moment and environment to give me that feedback. Thank you.”
This conversation didn’t save the project, but it built more trust between the two of us. And I don’t take all the credit. The CEO’s response to this conversation was of course much more considered and strategic than his feedback on the client’s website.
From my perspective, the moral is that time, place, and company (who’s there) all matter when confronting a bully.
Stronger phrases for dealing with a workplace bully
Talking to a workplace bully can feel like trying to reason with a grumpy cat—you may end up getting scratched, felt, or ignored altogether. But with persistence and a strategic approach, you might just be able to tame the feline and make them a more pleasant co-worker.
1. Start with this powerful phrase. “This is wrong.”
When a workplace bully starts intimidating or belittling you, it’s essential to speak up. Saying “it’s wrong” sends a clear message that you will not tolerate their bullying and that you expect them to treat you with respect.
Sure, it can be scary to confront an evil one. But you have the right to a safe and respectful workplace. By speaking up and setting boundaries, you’re taking a powerful step toward protecting yourself and creating a more positive work environment for everyone.
Note: This is part of our series of powerful phrases for dealing with conflict at work. which we are curating while we write our next book which will be published next year. We’d love to hear your insights (could you please take 5 minutes to contribute to our global workplace conflict and collaboration survey, click the image to the right).
Laura’s question, “Is this the way we’re going to work together” is a powerful variation of this powerful phrase presented as a question. Also, “George” demonstrated perfectly why the behavior was wrong, with his sentence, “It is what it is Being me in this situation.”
2. “No. I can’t let you talk to me like that”
Workplace bullies often thrive on making others feel uncomfortable, so it’s important to state your boundaries and let them know their behavior is not acceptable.
By saying, “I feel uncomfortable with your behavior,” you are making it clear that their actions are not welcome and that you will not tolerate being treated with disrespect. This phrase is a simple and clear way to set your boundaries and make it clear that you will not be intimidated.
3. “I want to discuss this with you in a private setting.”
Many workplace bullies like to perform in front of an audience. By saying, “I want to discuss this with you in a private setting,” you take control of the situation and alienate the bully’s audience. This expression is a respectful but assertive way of communicating that you will not tolerate bullying in front of others.
Both “Laura” and “George” made the wise move to let time pass, and then arrange a deeper conversation.
4. “I’m not going to engage in this behavior.”
Bullies in the workplace often try to provoke others to react. By saying, “I’m not going to engage in this behavior,” you refuse to play their game and assert your right to be treated with respect. This phrase is a simple but effective way to communicate that you won’t be pestered for a response.
5. “I want to involve HR in this discussion.”
By saying, “I want to involve HR in this discussion,” you are making it clear that the situation is serious. And also, that you will not tolerate being bullied. This phrase is a powerful way to communicate that you are willing to act to protect yourself and the good of the team.
Dealing with a bully in the workplace is never fun. And yet, quick action can prevent the situation from escalating. By using these powerful phrases, you can stand your ground and advocate for a better workplace for others as well.
your turn
What advice do you have for someone dealing with a workplace bully?
Do you have a story about dealing with a workplace bully or successfully navigating a workplace conflict? We would love to hear from you as part of our ongoing research. Please leave us a note at [email protected]
