What to say next when your boss gets upset
Maybe it’s a side effect of passion, intensity or creativity, but have you ever noticed that many high-achieving executives also have a creepy dark side? It’s hard to get around moody people. If it’s your boss who’s in the mood, it’s even more challenging. You might be tempted to avoid your annoying boss, keep your head down and just survive. But this kind of conflict at work is stressful and draining.
Added some vibrancy to the moody boss scene
One of my favorite bosses (Karin) had such highs and lows that they gave her two almost matching Barbies for her desk. The former was impeccably dressed in typical Barbie fashion, matching blouse, skirt, shoes and pearls. The second doll had torn clothes, a magic marker on her face and hair that looked like it had been gnawed by a cat.
We chose a “good barbie day” to approach her with our program. The team invited her to use the dolls as a warning sign: put the doll that best describes her mood on a visible shelf. We knew that if the “evil” Barbie was lurking, we had to lie down. Not ideal for sure. No one wants a moody boss.
Still, she accepted the gift with a smile. She used the dolls, as requested, for our benefit. Luckily she got the point when one of us went over to the shelf and changed the dolls. It wasn’t perfect. There were days when even the dolls didn’t help. But what I learned from this experience is that talking to a mood manager (when he’s not in that mood) can go a long way.
Powerful phrases to connect with your moody boss
Start by trying to understand and acknowledge the root cause. If your manager is like most humans who are accused of being in a bad mood when they are justifiably frustrated, they may think, “Sure, I could leave the F-bombs or lower my voice, but this issue is real! Why don’t they get the F- their @%# together?
Of course, the advice of one of us Global Workplace Conflict and Cooperation Survey Commenters, it can’t hurt either, you can always, “bake a cake ;-)”
“I understand how frustrating it is. I’m very worried too.”
or
“I understand why it’s so bad (re-impacting the customer or business)”
These phrases help you acknowledge their feelings. Show that you understand. This immediately reduces their feeling of aloneness and the frustration that comes with that feeling. One of the reasons a screamer continues to scream is that he feels he has not been heard. Show your annoying boss that you care too.
“I’m so sorry I messed this up. Here’s what I’ll do…“
or “Yeah, it’s totally my fault. Next time I’ll…”
If it’s your fault, there’s no better expression than an apology along with taking responsibility for what you’ll do to fix it (either this time or next time).
Powerful phrases to talk about patterns of crazy boss behavior
It’s tempting to relate to the mood during the mood, because then your emotions are also high. But we strongly recommend scheduling the call. Choose a more relaxed time to talk about their patterns or even throw in some humor.
“I’m watching a rerun of it [specific observations]…and I wonder…”
People are often blind to their own patterns. “Sure I was cranky this morning, but I’m not like that every day am I?” When you can give specific examples, it helps your annoying boss look in the mirror and make a decision to do something different.
Here is a full example of this from a real conversation I (David) had with my manager:
“I see a pattern where you get annoyed by people laughing in the break room. For example, it happened after lunch today, this morning, and yesterday afternoon. And I wonder what’s going on with you now?”
“That’s what it’s like to be me in this situation.”
If you’re a regular reader, you’ll recognize this powerful phrase from our article on dealing with a bully at work (without losing your lunch money).
This expression gives you an opportunity to calmly and objectively share how you feel. I am
“how can I help?”
This powerful phrase is simple yet effective. It takes the person out of their reactivity into some kind of critical thinking. Often the answer is “nothing, thanks.” Or you might learn about a significant opportunity that will help your career.
One of our favorite examples of these conversations in use was when we were working with a leadership team that addressed their CEO’s habit of swearing in frustration. The CEO chose a funny code word to use instead of using the F-bomb. The word lightened up the mood (it was hard to say the code word with a straight face) and he still conveyed the gravity of the situation.
Most of the time, when a moody boss gets excited, it’s because the work really matters, and they’re passionate about getting it right. Of course, it’s not your job to reassure them. They are responsible for their emotions and their managerial presence. And, a little careful communication can convey how much you care too and help escalate the conversation into a more productive dialogue.
Related articles on building a better relationship with your manager
How your big boss might hurt your career
How to make your boss appreciate your genius
