One of the heartbreaking findings in Global Workplace Conflict and Cooperation Survey There were a number of people who said that if they were faced with this conflict in the workplace again, they would quit, or quit sooner. Or as a guy from Denmark warned, “If you meet a psychopath at work, run away!”
If you’ve been following our recent research and writing, you know we’re working on a book to empower you to deal with conflict better and faster (Harper Collins, Spring 2024). We hope to significantly expand your range of options beyond “just quit”.
And we are not innocent. There are some situations you can’t save and some people won’t deal, even with a strong phrase. Sometimes “stopping” the situation, the person, or even the job, is the best choice.
7 questions you should ask yourself if you are on the fence about leaving a workplace conflict
How will you know if you should walk away from a conflict at work? Or even quit the job? Here are some powerful questions to help you decide.
1. Did I try?
This question is deceptively simple. It’s so easy to get excited, to have an imaginary conversation in your head, to accept Frustrated, and dismiss the other person as toxic, hopeless, and not worth your time. But in all this thinking and cooking, you never had a conversation.
When you make a genuine effort to address conflict in the workplace, you always come out ahead. Either the situation will improve (this is a clear win) or you will receive critical information that you didn’t have before. It could be that your boss really is an incompetent jerk who has been promoted beyond his ability – but you won’t know that until you have the conversation.
If you don’t try, nothing will change. So, answer it honestly and give yourself the gift of a better outcome—either because the conflict has improved or because you now have certainty about what you’re dealing with. If you’re at a standstill about something you can’t leave alone, it might be time for a carefully planned exit.
2. What do I gain or lose by exiting?
Some of the situations described in our research felt like a scene from a movie, where our hero or heroine reacts with one bold and spontaneous move, “Well then I quit!” Often, a smarter move is to take some time and objectively weigh the pros and cons. Talk to a good listener who can help you think this through.
3. Does the conflict in the workplace affect other areas of my life?
If you’re sick, exhausted, or crying into your Labradoodle’s paws every night, maybe it’s time to remove yourself from the toxic situation.
4. Do I feel good about how I appear?
If you are reading this article, you are obviously interested in finding solutions. If you got off the freeway and started thinking “when did I become an idiot?” This may be a sign that it is time to stop engaging. Destructive behavior can be incredibly contagious.
5. Is conflict a pervasive organizational problem, or is it limited to one or two people?
Retirement is one method if your boss is a psychopath. Alternatively, you can also document the issues and call HR. We’ve both survived some toxic bosses and co-workers over the years. In addition, you can learn a lot about what not to do and how not to behave from such people.
6. Is there a pattern?
If you find yourself in conflicts that rhyme over time, there may be something wrong with your attitude or behavior in the game. For example, if people are constantly stealing credit for your ideas, or shutting you down in meetings, you may need to advocate for yourself. If the conflicts seem to be following you, it’s likely that termination is not the answer.
7. Is there an alternative way to accomplish my goal?
Back in my corporate days, I (Karin) had a deep, value-based clash with the way a very senior leader treated people – something that came to a head with what we’ll call “TCCI (Toxic Courage Crushing Incident)”.
My boss, seeing the anger and frustration on my less-than-poker face, warned me, “If you care about your career, you won’t say a word.” Now, I knew my boss cared about me and my career. I also knew that she was not wrong about the caution of keeping her mouth shut at that moment – after all, there is a difference between courage and stupidity.
I didn’t say a word, at least not to that senior leader, and not at that moment of workplace conflict.
But as it turned out, I found myself with an abundance of words. The Sunday after that TCCI, I started my blog “Let’s Grow Leaders”. After searching my soul and writing almost every day for fourteen months, the blog had a significant international following, and I began to be asked to keynote and write a book. My tribe encouraged me to start my own show – and that’s how we found each other, wrote a book, fell in love and are now growing people-centered leaders on every continent (except Antarctica). Learn more about our story here.
If you’re facing a conflict where the stakes feel too high, consider whether there’s something deeper to learn about yourself, your values, and what you’re meant to do next. Or as my old friend, Bill, likes to say “Never waste a good ‘crazy’.”
your turn What would you add? How do you know when it’s time to leave the workplace conflict?
